With Apologies To Croaky – Lyrics

With Apologies to Croaky

Phil, The Wry Narrator: Now, there was a time
In the evolutionary history of the planet
When all that frogs, and toads, and snakes, and lizards
Had to worry about
Were things like being eaten by predators,
Finding a mate,
Dying of old age,
And the occasional mass extinction type asteroid
Hitting the planet
That was until humans evolved enough
That their young boys
Found small creatures cute and fascinating
And wished to keep them as pets
This is the story of one such pet coveting interaction
And the havoc it wrought

Croaky was a frog
A tiny little froggy
Teeny tiny little
Totally commital to eating flies
And pooping in the forest
That’s just who Croaky was, man
That’s just who Croaky was
He was that kind of frog

And, I was a boy
A little bitty tyke
Way out of diapers
But, just able to ride a bike
Uh Huh, yeah

And I was waling through the forest
One fine Summer’s day
And I ran across Croaky
Just sitting there
Minding his own damn business

Froggies think escape
And boys think pets to love
Who do you think wins that argument
When push comes to shove?

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah

When push comes to shove
When push comes to shove
When push comes to shove
When push comes to shove

Little bitty froggy
Teenie tiny froggy Little bitty teenie tiny little froggie

Hands wrap around the froggy
Froggy tries to wiggle away
But oh my gosh by golly
It is far too late
For the Little bitty froggy
Teenie tiny froggie
Little bitty teenie tiny little froggy

All the other froggies
Waved goodby
To their dear friend Croaky
With little froggie tears in their eyes
As Croaky is paraded away
Yes, as Croaky is paraded away

Little boy walks through the forest
With a froggie in his hand
He a boy on a mission
He’s a boy with a plan

Everybody says
Why, Croaky why?
Oh, why, Croaky why?

And the young boy thinks to himself
My my, me oh my
Oh lord, what a good boy am I
Going to love this froggy till the day I die
I’m going to place him in the zoo
That my neighbor friend and I are building for me

It’s going to have rabbits, and turtles, and doggies, and kittens
Rabbits, and turtles, and doggies, and kittens
Rabbits, and turtles, and doggies, and kittens

Now, it would be nice to think that this story turned out well
Just a warm and fuzzy tale about a boy and his froggie
But, that’s not what happened… is it boy?

Boy: No… I mean, I don’t remember

Oh, he does not recall
That boy may make a fine politician
One of theses days
Ho!
Oh, look out now

Young boys
May very well
Have good intentions
But they don’t necessarily know
How to take care of
Wild animals
And, froggies as tame as they may to be
Are wild animals
They’re wild animals
They’re so wild
They’re so wild
They’re so wild

Boy gets home and does announce
Ownership of the froggy
On which he has pounced
Mother has concerns
But allows it anyway
But, after the hamster incident
The whole family’s nerves have frayed

What was that about a hamster?
What was that about a hamster?

What was that about a hamster, anyway?
Oh, yeah, I remember

There once was a hamster named Squeaky
Who considered his owner quite creepy
When it came to feeding
The boy did alright
But as the pellets piles up
From the hamster’s ass so small and tight
The was not a cage cleaning in the offing
Which left poor Squeaky wheezing and coughing
Oh, poor Squeaky
Poor, poor, poor, poor little Squeaky
Poor Squeaky

Poor little Squeaky
Sitting in his cage
Slowly building up
And anti-human rage

He tried escaping
Many, many times
But on late night hunts
The family would always find him
Hiding in a heating duct
(Hiding in a heating duct)
Where the air was nice and clean
And the floor was not stained
With hamster urine steams
(Hamster urine steams)

The hamster was angry that day, my friend
The day the boy came for a petting
The day he put his hand inside the cage
And Squeaky’s eyes lit up with a murderous rage

As the boy’s finger approached
Squeaky did lunge
And the teeth they did plunge
Deep inside
Little did Squeaky know
He’d be taken for a ride, yeah

The boy lifted up his hand,
Squeaky still attached,
And he wiggled his finger wildly
Until the hamster’s jaw became unlatched

And Squeaky
Was flung against the wall
And Squeaky
Had himself a great big fall
And found himself on the ground
And as that hamster looked around
He saw… the entrance to the heating duct

But, before Squeaky could make a break
For his own personal Shangri-La
He was scooped up
And placed back in that stinky cage

And the very next day
Squeaky was found dead
Face down in those filthy wood chips
Some say it was murder
That the stink finally got him
Others say it was hamstercide
That Squeaky killed himself
Because he saw no future in front of him
Worth living

One can never know
An autopsy was never performed
It was deemed non-cost effective
Which show you the value of hamster life
in this town, mister

Every creature has a dying thought
One can only speculate as to what Squeaky’s was
But, oh, Squeaky
He musta had one too
Oh, Squeaky
He musta had one too

There are exactly two schools of thought
As to what was going through Squeaky’s mind
At the moment of his death

Number one:
That Squeaky was embarrassed and regretful
That he was dying a virgin
That he had never placed his small hamster penis
Inside a warm, small hamster vagina
Or male hamster buttocks
As the case might have been
Squeaky did keep his sexuality
Rather close to his chest
So we can never know for sure
What tickled Squeaky’s fancy

The other thought as to what
Was going on in Squeaky’s mind at the moment of death
Was that he was having post traumatic flashbacks
Of his time in the hamster circus
An amazingly painful period in Squeaky’s life
In which he was made to perform for the children
And their compatriots
Hamsters don’t let go of their pain easily
And Squeaky was a more sensitive soul than most

And then the lights went out
On yet another hamster
And his soul floated away
To either hamster heaven or hamster hell
Depending, apparently, upon
Whether or not he believed in Hamster Jesus

Hamster Jesus loves us so
Yay, though I walk through the shadow of death
I will fear no evil
He maketh me lie down in clean wood chips
Blessed are they who run on their hamster wheel
In a clockwise direction
For they’ll get the best water bottles, baby

Squeaky was buried in the soft ground
Just above the septic tank
Though he didn’t leave a will
People just assumed that he would have
Preferred that to being flushed down the toilet
And winding up in the septic tank
But after years of going to funerals
I’ve come to a mind
That corpses just don’t care anymore

Uh, does anyone remember
That this was supposed to be a story
About a boy and a frog
I mean, digressions are one thing
But I think we’ve taken it a little too far
After all, all we were trying to establish
That the boy was bad with animals
And where the cage came from

Hamster circus
Hamster circus
We want to know more about the hamster circus
(Hold it right there)
(I mean, this is how these digressions begin)
(And I really think we need to move on)
Hamster circus
Hamster circus
We want to know more about the hamster circus
Hamster circus!
Hamster circus!
We want to know more about the hamster circus!!!!

The would be hit songwriter
Apparently addicted to his needless detail
And oblivious to commercial concerns
Once again
Gives in to his urge
To go tangental… to the tangental
To the tangental…

(Crowd murmurs)
(And we got a beer for you)
(Did you see the tits on that girl?)
(Wanna beer?)
(Yeah, two beers over here)
(Oh here we go)
(Woo… woo…)
(Yeah, go get em Squeaky!)
(Go get em)

Ladies and gentlemen
Welcome to the hamster circus
Where, for your entertainment
Though, not necessarily
For the hamsters
You will see daring feats of strength
From these brave, furry little creatures
Marvel as these hamsters walk the tight rope
Which is really a bed post from a bunk bed
Thrill yourself as the hamster
Flings back and forth on the trapeze
Which is really a belt
See the terrifying look
On the hamsters face
As he clings to the belt buckle loop
But I assure you
That he has been trained by the children
For literally minutes
For just this trick
And then of course
There’s the hamster catapult
Squeaky!
Squeaky!
Squeaky!
Squeaky!
Squeaky!
Squeaky!
Squeaky!
Squeaky!
Squeaky!
Squeaky!
Squeaky!
Squea….
(Oh my god, did you see that?)
(Dude!)

Ah, yes
It’s all quite horrifying, isn’t it?
Can you believe that this child
Claimed to want to be a veterinarian
When he grew up?
(Audience laughs)
Ha, Indeed!

Oh, he had the love
Of cute furry things
And the want of
Petting small cute things, alright
It’s just that he lacked the necessary compassion
And the responsibility needed
To take charge of such creatures
His personality
Would have better suited
To an occasional visit to a petting zoo
As opposed to being a veterinarian
And taking charge
Of the medical treatment of such creatures

If only it had ended with the hamster incident
But alas, a small amphibian named Croaky
Had fallen into the boy’s grasp
And when the boy got home
From his trip to the woods
He fished out of his closet
Squeaky’s old cage
The very same cage where Squeaky died
It was a plastic terrarium
Hamster habitat type cage
Still rife with the stink of dead hamster
And the boy place the frog in the terrarium
And placed it outside
And ran off to play

Do you know what happens
When you place a frog in a plastic terrarium
Directly in the sun?

Ants don’t fair very very well
When They’re on the wrong side of a
Magnifying glass, Vis-à-vis the Sun

And froggies, they don’t fair to much better
When they’ve been set out in weather
Which happens to be a sunny day
By a boy who’s run off to play
Leaving his froggy in a plastic terrarium
Stick a fork in that froggy’s ass, because I think he’s done

Who’s that froggy sitting in a cage?
That’s Croaky! That’s Croaky!
Why does that froggy look so afraid?
Cause Croaky! Cause Croaky!

Paid attention in school
And he knows all the rules
And the laws of physics
Of heat and light
And he knows it’s a loosing fight
To be a froggy in a plastic terrarium
Left out by a boy in the sun

You see kids
Though the sun is a wondrous thing
It can also be a very dangerous thing
Especially for a froggy trapped in a plastic terrarium

This is because of something we,
In the physics community,
Like to call the greenhouse effect
This is a circumstance where
The short wave lengths of visible light from the sun
Pass through a transparent medium
And are absorbed, but the longer wave lengths
Of infrared re-radiation from the heated objects
Are unable to pass back through that medium
Leading to a super-heating of the air
And that trapped super-heated air
Is detrimental to life
This is why dogs and small children
Should never be placed in a locked car

If you mess with mother nature
If you find yourself on the wrong side of the glass
Ah, honey, you can kiss your ass goodbye… goodbye
Goodbye Croaky… Goodbye
Ha!… the sun beat down upon that froggy
That froggy, he didn’t have a chance
If that froggy would have been wearing any
That froggy would have been pissing his pants

Oh that froggy, that froggy, that froggy, that froggy

Oh the sun beat down upon that froggy
He musta been hoping it was all just a bad dream
As his blood slowly turned into steam
As his blood slowly turned into steam
Sizzle sizzle sizzle went the froggy
Sizzle sizzle sizzle, yes indeed
Sizzle sizzle sizzle went the froggy
Till there was no blood left to bleed
The sun beat down
The sun beat down
The sun beat down, yes indeed
The sun beat down
The sun beat down
The sun beat down, yes indeed
The sun beat down, yes indeed

And when the boy returned from playing
Instead of finding his adorable amphibian companion
Awaiting him
He found instead
A charred corpse

Tears immediately filled the boy’s eyes
But, not out of some sense of compassion, mind you
Instead, it was out of fear of consequences
Of no longer being able allowed to collect animals at will
He constructed a lie
That he had set the amphibian, in question, free

In fact, he had dumped the body at the edge of the woods
As he dumped the body
He was unaware that Croaky’s friends
Had witnessed the whole affair
Fortunately for us
Their reactions were recorded
By an amateur citizen journalist via his cell phone

Let’s have us listen to that, shall we?

(Crowd murmurs)
Croaky!
(Crowd gasps)
(Female voice crying)
Dude, that was messed up
I can’t believe it man, Croaky’s gone
(Baby Cries)
Croaky man, such a good guy
Man, they fucking killed Croaky!

Croaky? What do you say about Croaky
That hasn’t already been said by somebody, ad nauseam
Fuckin’ Croaky man
He’s my hero
He’s a personal hero of mine
I’m not gonna lie
I’m not embarrassed
I just talked with him last week
Just out of the blue
I don’t know
I don’t know

The last thing you think is
You’re just going to talk to him
One day and the next day
They’re just fucking gone
Croaky, you’ve gone off to that
Big pond in the sky
And may you fucking rest in peace

Man, they fucking killed Croaky!

What a great guy

This was still small crowd
Of Croaky’s friends
Who had watched the whole incident
Most of the amphibians of the forest
Were at home watching their favorite television sitcom
The Hoppingtons of Llly Pad Lane
Blissfully unaware of the tragedy that had occured
That, however, was about to change
Let’s listen in on that broadcast
Just now underway… shall we?

(Door closes)

Mr. Hoppington: Hi honey, I’m home
(Studio audience cheers)
Mrs. Hoppinton: Hi Dear, did you remember to
Pick up those frozen flies at the market like I asked you to?
(Studio audience giggles)
Mr. Hoppington: Ah Honey, I’m sorry, I forgot
(Studio audience boos slightly)
Mrs. Hoppinton: How could you forget?
I just called you at work a couple of hours ago.
(Studio audience jeers)
Mr. Hoppington: I’m so sorry honey. We got so busy
Down at the lily pad repair shop today. And it must have
Leap frogged right out of my mind.
(Studio audience laughs)
I hope you can forgive me
Mrs. Hoppington: But I’m supposed to be making
and insect casserole for the pot luck dinner in a few hours.
Forgive you? I’m pretty hopping mad right now.
(Studio audience laughs)
Mr. Hoppington: Say honey, why don’t we blow off this pot luck dinner,
and have a little picnic down by the pod. Just us two. Like we did
In the old days. Maybe I’ll even put a little tadpole batter in all the right places.
(Studio audience woos)
Mrs. Hoppington: Ah, honey, with an offer like that
How could I stay mad at you. I wuv you so much.
(Studio audience cheers)
Mr. Hoppington: I wuv you too.
(Studio audience cheers)
Mrs. Hoppington: Well, if we’re gonna go…
I guess we best…
Together: Hop to it!…
(Studio audience goes crazy)

(TV Static)

TV Announcer: We interrupt your regularly scheduled
Program to bring you a special report we’re calling
“Boy Strikes Again”
We take you now to award winning, intrepid news reporter
Flash Anderson who’s just arrived on the scene
Via our news copter
Take it away Flash

(Helicopter sounds in the distance)

Flash Anderson: This is award winning, intrepid news reporter,
Flash Anderson reporting from the edge of the forest where “NEWS FLASH”
There seems to be yet another pet incident involving the boy.
Though details are still sketchy…
A small crowd has assembled but is sure to grow
As nothing throws gasoline on a fire like mass media coverage.
I’m sure we’ll get good ratings as well.
Nothing wrong with that.
Though the crowd is still small,
It is boisterous and angry.
A small string band is busking
Near what appears to be a badly burnt corpse.
Pesky musicians, no respect at all.
Let’s see if we can find an eye witness
And find out what has happened here.
You sir, may we have a word with you?
Mr. Ribbits: Ah, I suppose so… yeah, alright.
Flash Anderson: And what is your name sir,
And your place in the community?
Mr. Ribbits: Well, my name is H.R. Ribbits,
I’m a physics teacher at the local amphibian high school.
Flash Anderson: And did you see what happened here?
Mr. Ribbits: I did, and… it was that boy. He’s a menace.
He burnt Croaky alive in a terrarium, and dumped the body
Right, Right over there! He seemed completely oblivious
To the greenhouse effect… and unwilling to
Admit responsibility.
Flash Anderson: Oh, I see. And did you know this Croaky fellow?
Mr. Ribbits: Man, I’ve know Croaky since he was a tadpole.
And I was his physics teacher in high school. He was a peaceful sort.
He’d never hurt a fly.
Flash Anderson: But sir, didn’t this Croaky fellow, in fact, eat flies,
And therefore, by definition, hurt them?
Mr. Ribbits: Well, yes, I suppose, but…
I mean that’s a circle of life thing. It’s natural.
Flash Anderson: I see. Well, one has to eat, I suppose.

(Police siren approaching)

Mr. Ribbits: Oh great, it’s the police…
And you know who they’ll side with.
Officer Clarence O’Malley O’Sullgan: Well now,
What do we have here?
Christ on a bike! What’s with all the commotion?
Mr. Ribbits: It’s OK officer. I’m just telling this reporter
About my friend Croaky.
Officer Clarence O’Malley O’Sullgan: Oh, I see… I see…
Well, move it along, move it along now.
There’s nothing to discuss, certainly nothing to see here.
Mr. Ribbits: Nothing to see? Officer, my former student’s
Blackened corpse is sitting right over there.
And it’s still smoking at that.
Officer Clarence O’Malley O’Sullgan: Well now,
It’s just another dead froggy, isn’t it? Sure’in it’s just as common
As a drunken Dubliner on a Saturday night. Why, when I was
Just a wee pollywog back on the blessed Emerald Isle…
Me own blessed mother told me to expect this sort of thing.
It’s all quite natural… a circle of life type of thing, you might say.
Boys will be boys and all, don’t you know.
Flash Anderson: Officer, this is a serious matter.
Shouldn’t you be investigating or something?
Officer Clarence O’Malley O’Sullgan: Why, if it isn’t
The famous Flash Anderson… intrepid news reporter and whatnot.
Perhaps you’d like a trip downtown in the paddy wagon for some questioning.
A celebrity such as yourself will be quite popular in the holding tank.
Why you’ll be shit’ing tadpole batter out your arse in no time at all.
Flash Anderson: Um, well, since you put it that way… ah, perhaps,
I’ll um, go interview someone else, or something, um, over there… somewhere.
Excuse me, please officer.
Officer Clarence O’Malley O’Sullgan: Well now lassie, that’s the spirit, that’s the spirit.
And you, Mr. Ribbits… perhaps we can forget about this dead frog business and move it along…
Move it along now.
Mr. Ribbits: Um, how do you know my name…
And, what’s with all this frog business?
Croaky was a toad, man. He was a toad!
Officer Clarence O’Malley O’Sullgan: Well, now you’ve done it!
Come with me, we’re going to take a trip downtown.
Perhaps some time in a plastic terrarium would do you some good.
Mr. Ribbits: Hey! what are you doing…
I didn’t do anything.
Officer Clarence O’Malley O’Sullgan: Come with me.
Come with me!
Mr. Ribbits: What about the green house effect?
Get off me. I’m going to call my lawyer, get off of me!
Officer Clarence O’Malley O’Sullgan: And may the cat eat you,
And the devil eat the cat!

(Police siren goes off into the distance)
(Clock ticking)
(Frothy music arises)

Flash Anderson: It’s been many hours since the arrest
Of Mr. Ribbits. The crowd has continued to grow as word has gotten out.
But instead of growing anger, as strange, festival-like, atmosphere…
Has descended on the good creatures of the forest…
As it is rumored that the figure known only as The Great Toad Prophet…
Will visit the site of Croaky’s untimely death
And speak to the bereaved and confused crowd.
The string band has been chased away,
And a large stage has been constructed, complete with a lighting rig,
And a laser light show… for him to speak upon…
As fog and new age music wafts through the air.
A strange cult has formed around this shadowy figure
Since he came on the scene and began his spiritual healings
A few years ago.
As he takes the stage,
We are required to play his theme song,
As part of our exclusive broadcast coverage contract,
With his movement.
Let’s go to that now.

(Theme song plays)

The Great Toad Prophet

“There is little that is known about him…
He’s a toad of great mystery…
Some say he lives at the bottom of a well…
Some say he lives in the trees…
Some say when he was just a wittle tadpole…
He caught some horrible disease…
Which altered his mind…
Transformed his mind….
Expanded his mind…

He’s the great toad prophet…
He’s the great toad prophet…
He’s the great toad prophet… yes indeed!…

Some say he was in a car accident…
In his younger years…
And when he awoke after a two week coma…
He was beyond all fears…

He can read your mind…
He knows the secrets behind…
The universe…
The universe…

He was shown secret things…
He’s come here to bring us…
A message… of love…
He knows the future…
He knows the future…
And he’s coming to tell us what is…
And what will be…

He’s the great toad prophet…
He’s a bit of a bottle rocket…
But he knows everything there is to know…
And to stand in his presence is to feel loved…
And to stand in his presence is to grow…
And when you feel that pulsing in your forehead…
Ah, you will know…
You will know…
That it’s all real…

There is a light in the distance…
There is a song… we can all sing together…
There is a compass we can all follow home…
Follow home…
Take us all home…
Take us all home…

The great toad prophet, he is coming…
Yes, the great toad prophet, he is coming…
Yes, the great toad prophet, he is coming…
To speak to us…
In toad we trust…
In toad we trust…
In toad, we must trust…

He senses our needs…
He’s come here to answer our pleas…
For information….”

Flash Anderson: Well, that was very odd,
Though I admit, well written.
And, I’m told he’s coming onstage now.
Let’s listen in.

The Great Toad Prophet: Blessed be all of us
On this solemn occasion.
I had hoped that the next time I saw you all…
Would be when I returned to teach you all
The secrets of your inherent connection to others,
I call clear vision.
That will have to wait now, of course.
I was out on the east coast on pilgrimage…
When I sensed a great disturbance was about to occur…
So I returned to this forest to be of service.
Sadly, I was too late to prevent this atrocity
From occurring.
… um, before I continue…
You’ll notice that my followers are our amongst
You with collection baskets.
Please give generously, as this is a sacred cause.
Flies, insects of any kind really…
And, of course, cash is always welcome…
They have credit card swipers as well…
Blessed be the forest.
As I was saying… nothing,
Not even my great powers
Can bring young Croaky back…
May he hibernate in peace.
But, we must prevent further pet covetations…
Further needless deaths… from neglect,
Lazy slovenly attitudes, ignorance of
Simple principles of physics…
Such as the greenhouse effect, and the like.
My friends, I have seen deep into the future…
This is not ended.
There will be a cat
Who was once cute but who is no longer…
And who dies, of neglect,
And of a broken heart.
And the puppy…
Oh the thoughts he has concerning the puppy.
This must not stand.
He must be stopped…
Bring the boy before me.
My followers are, as we speak…
Constructing a giant plastic terrarium.
We will teach the boy about the greenhouse effect…
Attack!… Attack!… Attack!

(Crowd goes into a violent tizzy)

Flash Anderson: In a surprising turn of events,
Instead of being soothed by this usually sanguine leader…
The crowd has been moved to attack…
Oh, the frogmanity!

(Crowd continues to attack)

Phil, The Wry Narrator: And that, my friends,
Was how the great amphibian rebellion began.
It was a bloodbath… frogs against humans…
Toads against humans… frog and toad infighting…
Even the hamsters got into the act.
They are smarter and more vicious than they look, you know.
Why, if they were too much larger than they are now…
They’d be the ones running things…
And we’d be the ones in plastic terrariums…
Hoping that someone would change those stinky wood chips…
Soaked with our urine and feces.
I guess the morale of the story is…

(TV Static)
(Alarm clock goes off)

Main Character: (Grumbling)… what time is it?
Fuck!… dear… you mis-set the alarm again.
I’m late for work!

(Static)